The term “rage bolus” is one I learned from the diabetes on-line community. I was so excited when I read it. I’ve experienced it plenty, but could never properly put it into words. To rage bolus is to become so frustrated and angry with blood sugar that will not come down, particularly when you have no idea why, that you angrily jack up the insulin. Often taking an amount well past the correction you’re supposed to need. This is fraught with risk, of course, because it can just as easily cause a terrible low that will send me on a miserable glucoaster ride.
I’m there. I have patiently tried to get my bg down for over 10 hours. Still, it remains in the 280-305 range. What the hell? I think the rage comes mostly from not knowing what’s causing it. Diabetes is a disease of constant anticipation and second-guessing – If I do “x”, how much more/less insulin will I need? What did I forget to factor in that caused this high/low? I have flat out no idea what’s causing this, and worse, why won’t it come down?!? This makes me furious. And sleepy. And thirsty.
I just got my insurance to send me more blood test strips and I don’t want to burn through them by obsessively testing my blood every 15 minutes. They also just sent me more CGMS sensors so I can at least occupy myself by obsessively checking the Dexcom receiver. Still, the sensor hasn’t been in a full 24 hours yet and it can be a little wonky during that first, full day. That thing can’t be right, right? I think I’m being pretty disciplined by only testing every 30 minutes and while the meter and the Dex aren’t totally in sync, they really aren’t far off.
Once it finally starts to budge, the hypo watch will start and I’ll still be obsessively checking to make sure I head off any severe low. At that point, the acute bolus regret will kick in. It’s a lot like thinking about the company Christmas party the next morning. What was I thinking? That’s a made-up example. I have never done anything I regretted at a company Christmas party. I’m pretty sure.
Now the “double down” arrows are here. It’s time for the panic eating to start sounding like a very reasonable course of action. The active insulin my pump is showing could easily cover a few slices of pizza. I’ve eaten exactly one fried egg-white in a whole wheat pita today.
I started writing this to distract myself from taking even more insulin. Now I’m writing to keep myself from drinking a Coke “just to be safe”. I will compromise with a Diet Coke. And a gossip magazine. Yes, I’m feeling calmer now. Let’s see what the Lohan family has been up to!